The first hint of doubt

November 2, 2009 ANS
Tags: funk dance, gym

Well throughout this whole thought process, yes, yes I admit the idea was only birthed 3 weeks ago, but all the same, I have never doubted my willingness to shave my head. When contemplating “what will people think?” My inside response was, “who cares”. This response making me think, “wow, I really am one of those people that don’t care what people think, perhaps I have achieved internal happiness”. I lived on this elevated platform for all of… a couple of days until….. I attended in all confidence and splendour, a funk dance gym class.

Well.. I walked into the gym and asked if the class was too difficult, admitting, as I was the new confident, honest, earthy self, that I could not dance and lacked some coordination and rhythm, slightly understated as I omitted the details of my almost dance phobia. A young guy leaning over the counter (from the customer side) looking too cool for school with his peaked cap backwards and his pant leg rolled up on one leg looked at me and said, “you’ll be fine, it’s fun”. Purely brought on by his hip hop appearance I asked, “we don’t have to spin on our heads or anything do we?” A chuckle and I proceeded in.

Outside of the class there were a few girls sitting down waiting, shirts tied in knots around their wastes showing their tanned mids, my insides with knots and the outside not to be seen over my dead body. This was the first realisation that I was old or at least in comparison to young, I should have turned now, the walking machines with personalised TV’s calling my name. But I stayed.

We all walked in to the class and I kept waiting for the unfit, overweight, uncoordinated people to join the class, you know the ones doing it “just for fun”. They didn’t come, instead just more toned, tanned, teen somethings that flirted and smirked at the instructor. I then felt a moment of relief when I saw another mum from my son’s school, perhaps not overweight but equally as old, “hi” I said, “how long have you done this for?”, as it was obvious all these girls were regulars. “not long,”, she replied. Mmmm short two word answer. “I can’t believe I’m here I’m such a bad dancer” I pried for a greater response. Unsatisfied I received “it’s not like it matters, it’s not exactly serious”. I could see she was distracted listening to the other girls talking and wanting to re-join their conversation, wanting to become her alias again, the girl at the gym, childless and again cool and free, not for one chance spending her gym night talking about her kids or to anyone that reminded her she had kids, perhaps a bit harsh but she was not exactly friendly.

Mmmm, okay, so I just sank back towards the back wall, where all new people in classes hide, the positioning in the class highlighting your virginity more than anything, well almost, not saying that you’re new when the teacher asks who’s first time it is is a close runner up as everyone in the class including the teacher then knows you as new and too embarrassed to own up to it.

I sat there amongst girls stretching out in ballet stretches like plasticine models and twirling their long blonde pony tails and I froze, I couldn’t leave as that would look worse, yet I was dying there staying. I had not felt so out of my depth in years. I suddenly thought, imagine how I would feel on top of these insecurities and doubts, if I was here, in this room with beauty, flexibility, hot bodies and long blonde pony tails, if… just if, I had no hair.

For a second I thought, I can’t do it, these types of people would eat me alive, they already reign over me, they wouldn’t admire me, think it was a great cause or applaud my efforts. I can’t do it.

After an hour that seemed like an eternity I made the bolt for the change room, grabbed my bad and dashed to the car to return to the safety and security of home. After some after thought and reflection I realise I will do it as someone with cancer treatment related hair loss would not have this choice and that is the whole point…. but as possibly lots of cancer fighters do, I will choose my paths carefully and will without a doubt be avoiding ones that make me feel unaccepted, I also need to work on myself as obviously this stems from within, I do however currently have no aim to return to funk dance in a hurry; hair or no hair.

Soon to be shaved Shan xoxo

Entry Filed under: Pre-shave

Trackback this post  |  Subscribe to comments via RSS Feed